


A Streamer Hosts a Slutmog Competition

by A_Hobbyist



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27412327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Hobbyist/pseuds/A_Hobbyist
Summary: The title says it all. This fic is pure crack, not meant to be taken seriously, and may offend some readers. It does not taking place in the Warcraft story line, it is a fictional story of people playing the game itself. It therefore appeals to a specific audience. If haven't played World of Warcraft recently, don't watch (or know about) streaming, or if you don't know what a transmog competition is, this probably isn't for you.But props if you try reading it anyway, just to be sure. ;)





	A Streamer Hosts a Slutmog Competition

**Author's Note:**

> There will be no explicit or implicit scenes here. Everything is entirely innuendo and wordplay. That said, with how much adult humor is here, I didn't feel comfortable rating this any lower than "M" for mature. No sex scenes, plenty of sex jokes.
> 
> Typically, real, living people can't be included in works of fanfiction, so the Streamer in this story is merely inspired by a real person. That real person has not yet hosted a slutmog comp, but he's teased the idea multiple times. I wanted to post this before he actually did one; I wrote the first chapter back in June, but didn't want to post until I had a way to post pics as well. Thanks AO3. Again, Pics aren't explicit. If by some chance this work inspires people to ask that Streamer to finally DO a slutmog comp, then I'll have accomplished what I set out to do.
> 
> Finally, all character names have been completely made up; if they actually CAN be found in-game, that's pure coincidence - a result of millions of people making multiple characters each.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything in [brackets] are actual items that exist in WoW. You might find that hard to believe if you continue reading, but it's true. Hope you enjoy.

Thirty-nine player characters stood in a circle, anxiously awaiting appraisal.

"I want everyone to know something."

In the center of the circle was the raid leader, Role-Play walking back and forth.

"Today isn't a day about quality," spoke a voice. "It's a day about trash." This voice did not come from Discord, Mumble, or even the game itself. "It's a day about degeneracy." And yet, every person in the raid could hear the voice clearly in their speakers. "It's a day about men doing men things." Thousands of other people could hear the voice as well. "Ladies and gentlemen." And later, when this inevitably ended up on YouTube, the voice would be heard by tens of thousands more. "But mostly gentlemen."

The raid leader stopped RP walking, then zoomed out his camera to fit the entire raid on his screen.

"Welcome, to the first ever slutmog competition."

Hours ago, the owner of this voice had made an announcement, both on Twitter and Twitch: FIRST SEXY MOG COMP TODAY. He used the word 'sexy' instead of 'slut' to avoid potential sanctions, but now that he was live on stream, he didn't have to worry about that.

"Thirty-nine of you have been randomly selected to represent the worst that NA has to offer. Which means that NA might finally have a better chance at winning than EU. This competition will not only test your ability to transmog, but also your ability to make a slutmog."

Chat was, at the moment, being spammed with Gachigasms – an emote of a face rapidly moving back and forth (emphasis on the 'gasm') – and LULs.

"Let's face it. It's not easy to do a slutmog that hasn't been done before. Most of these will probably suck dick. But for the first time ever, we want them to suck dick."

He RP walked to the first contender.

"Let's go."

* * *

_Alliance, Mog #1  
Player: Chadthunder  
Guild: Wood of the Morning  
Realm: Thorium Brotherhood (RP)  
Set: Chadmog_

The Streamer RP walked to the first competitor. Unfortunately, this competitor didn't seem to understand the concept of the competition. Or the notion of good fashion sense.

"Chadthunder the Unstoppable Force from Wood of the Morning," he read the name, title, and guild of the human character. "Let me ask you something." The _male_ human character. "Want to tell everyone why you took up a valuable raid slot that could have gone to someone who actually knows what a slutmog is?"

There was a pause, as stream delay got in the way of any instant replies.

Then, a speech bubble appeared above Chadthunder's head. "It IS a slutmog. A Chadmog." His player model turned to the female Draenai standing next to him. "I put the STD in STUD. All I need is U."

Chat erupted into clapping emotes, wide-eyed Pepe's, and LUL's.

The Draenai /blush-ed.

Chadthunder's character model turned back to the Streamer and made a new speech bubble. "Men can be sluts too. U should be more inclusive to the gals & gay guys out there."

In the space between the time it took to read the text box out loud and the time it took to understand it, the Streamer had brought a hand up to his forehead. After a few seconds of silent frustration, he opened his eyes.

"Maybe I _would_ be more inclusive if your set wasn't complete dogsh*t, or if it was an actual slutmog, but half of your set is low pixel armor, it clashes with the high resolution on the other half, and the colors don't work together at all. How is anybody supposed to get hard at that? Or wet, I guess, since we're suddenly assuming this stream isn't a complete sausage fest."

Again, it took the space of stream delay for Chadthunder to react. When he finally did, he took off all his gear except for his helmet, gloves, and boots.

And then he started dancing.

Normally, this would be when the Streamer stops taking the player seriously. That almost happened; he was ready for the uncollected mount memes, ready for all the typical spergy actions, ready to rip into the guy. But at the last second...

"Wait a minute!" he realized. "You're cosplaying that guy from that South Park episode! The neckbeard that goes around killing everyone!"

A speech bubble appeared above Chadthunder's head: "Jenkins the Griefer, sexiest wow player alive."

"That's his name?" The Streamer briefly tabbed over to Google. "Oh wow, it is." Then the Streamer refocused his attention on Chadthunder. "Okay, look man, you might be right about _this-_ " he dragged a picture of a fat, balding man sitting in front of a computer across the screen "-being the sexiest WoW player. It's the pinnacle of male performance, and I wouldn't be surprised if you look like that in real life. But unfortunately we're going on in-game looks, not real life looks." He closed the tab. "It was a good try, but I have to judge you on the set you came in with. Go ahead and switch back."

* * *

**Side Note: Warriors can't equip the cloth [Arcanist Boots], which were worn by Jenkins the Griefer from South Park, so Chadthunder equipped [Boots of the Watchful Heart] instead. Warriors _can_ equip the [Bile-Covered Gauntlets] (what Jenkins wore on his hands), just not t-mog (because they're leather). They can equip _and_ t-mog the dagger [Carving Knife] and the plate helm [Bloodfist Helmet] – the rest of Jenkins' gear – but Chad only uses the helm for the following t-mog set. Everything else he replaces.**

* * *

It took a bit of time for Chadthunder to put his gear back on. When he did, the Streamer listed off gear and locations rapid-fire.

"Alright, the helmet and shoulders are drops from Classic. That chest piece comes from BC dungeons. Those gauntlets are... I believe from Cataclysm. The belt is from questing in Wrath and the boots are from a Wrath dungeon. Those legs are a blacksmithing item. And that sword is obviously Armageddon that drops from Naxx twenty-five man. The cloak..." he RP walked around to Chad's back, "...is also from Classic. And it's probably the best part of your set."

When the Streamer was done listing how each piece of gear could be acquired, a new text bubble appeared above Chadthunder's head.

"Legs from quest not crafting."

"Oh really? Let me check." He hit /inspect. "Oh, right. They share the same model, slightly different color. Well regardless, your set isn't _really_ the kind of set that would make me hard. I mean, in a badass warrior kind of way. It's decent-looking," he said, being less harsh than usual because of the Jenkins joke, "and you got different expansions to _kind of_ work together, but the colors are all wrong – the boots and legs match, but not with the belt or gloves – and the resolutions are off, like I said earlier. The low pixels on the top half clash with the high pixels on the bottom half. If you took off the gloves and belt, it might look decent."

The Streamer paused to drink some soda.

"But regardless, you're not showing enough skin for this competition. Not that I'm complaining in your case. It doesn't really strike me as an actual slutmog. Plus, this set wouldn't be anything to write home about in a normal competition either. At best, it's an extremely average-looking pre-cata transmog, and at worst it's just mediocre. Sorry Chadthunder. Better luck next time."

Before the Streamer could walk away, a new speech bubble appeared above Chadthunder's head . He had probably been typing while the Streamer had been evaluating his set.

"It IS a studmog, just not normal kind. It'll blow ur mind." Another chat bubble appeared. "Read the names of all my transmog gear. U can put a certain word in front each piece, or inside. Can u guess what word that is? Not gamer word, btw."

Chat erupted into wide-eyed Pepe's, followed by a large number of viewers typing out a single, inappropriate word that may have gotten them banned if they were watching a less tolerant streamer. It was a four-letter word, beginning with the letter "A" and ending with the letter "L", though a few others wrote out a five letter word beginning with "P" and ending with "Y" instead.

"No way, dude." The Streamer was facepalming again. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "What do you think guys? Should I inspect him?"

The answer from chat was unanimous.

"Alright," he said with head and eyebrows nodding up and down. "Let's see it."

He right-clicked Chadthunder's portrait, clicked inspect, and began reading the names of the transmogs out loud. He didn't include the word, but chat did it for him.

(Anal) "[Bloodfist Helmet]"  
(Anal) "[Slamshot Shoulders]"  
"[Cloak of-" (Anal) "-Passion]"  
(Anal) "[Conqueror's Breastplate]"  
"[The Tabard of-" (Anal) "-Brute Force]"  
(Anal) "[Decimator's Armguards]"  
(Anal) "[Repository Gauntlets]"  
"[Girdle of Ripped-" (Anal) "-Space]"  
(Anal) "[Legguards of the Pinnacle]"  
"[The-" (Anal) "-Obliterator Greaves]"  
(Anal) "[Armageddon]"

* * *

**Second Side Note: It was complete coincidence that the [Bloodfist Helmet] also made a decent choice for the (Anal) set. I was hoping Blizzard originally chose Jenkins' entire outfit based on that, but no such luck. Though the dagger and gloves did come close to working: (Anal) Bile-Covered Gauntlets, (Anal) Carving Knife.**

* * *

As the Streamer went through the gear, Chadthunder had something else to say, taking a bit of time to type it out carefully:

"Making an original-looking studmog is a LONG HARD MEATY THING to do."

(Chat enjoyed this statement.)

"So i didnt go for looks only, i went for names too." Chadthunder said when the Streamer was done naming the gear, typing more quickly this time. "U know how HARD it was 2 do that and look decent? REALLY HARD."

Gachigasms started filling the chat again.

"And I'm not finished yet," Chadthunder continued. "This isn't even my final form."

"You can't change sets, Chadthunder," the Streamer said into the microphone. "And we've already seen your final form, back when you took all your gear off."

"No change. 4 my mogged gear u need 2 INSERT that word for it to make sense. My unmogged gear has different theme. No inserting. Watch."

Some of chat repeated the word "insert", while others continued emoting Gachigasms.

This time, Chadthunder began listing off his own gear, probably using the shift-click function. "My weapon, the [Rigid Spear] is ready for action. My waist? [Girdle of Growing Vines], for my growing vine."

He /flex-ed, giving the Streamer time to understand where this was going and giving Chat time to emote _even more_ Gachigasms.

"Trinkets? Get ready, me and my [Mushroom of Destiny] are about to make an [Impact Tremor]."

"Look, dude," the Streamer's voice rose in a tone of false objection, "this is a stream for all ages and genders."

"Jewelry? Once I give her [The "D" Ring], she'll be helpless before my [Charm of Potent and Powerful Passions] and be in a [Band of Pleasant Pain] all night."

"All male genders between ages fifteen and fifty, according to my viewer demographics," the Streamer amended.

"[Sabatons of Endurance] so I last longer. [Pauldrons of Encroaching Limits], cause I'm getting close to my limit. [Helm of Verdant Explosions], at last."

This was accompanied by a /moan.

"[The Boomshirt]. Nice. [Chestplate of Violent Detonation]. REALLY nice. [Bracers of Constant Implosion] cuz I just can't stop."

"I've got the feeling I should stop him," the Streamer said, smiling and trying not to laugh.

"[Plated Gloves of Relief] when its finally over," Chadthunder /sigh-ed. "[Tassets of Ravenous Euphoria] in the afterglow."

The Streamer looked to Chat, which was again blowing up.

"[Impact Tremor] is on CD, so switch to [Second Wind] and do it again. And ofc i have [Ooze-Stained Shirt]."

Chadthunder /laugh-ed.

"This last one's for u chat: [Pepe's Shroud of Pacification]. <3"

"Wait, they actually have a cloak named that?" the Streamer asked. He looked at chat, which began making the switch from (rapidly moving) human faces to wide-eyed frog faces. Actually, to frog faces of all kinds. And a few hearts. "Wow."

"Chad Champion of Chat," Chadthunder said in /say while /flex-ing.

* * *

**Chadthunder's complete set:**

Head: **[Helm of Verdant Explosion]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Bloodfist Helmet]  
**Neck: **[Charm of Potent and Powerful Passions]  
**Shoulders: **[Pauldrons of Encroaching Limits]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Slamshot Shoulders]  
**Cloak: **[Pepe's Shroud of Pacification]** t-mog into **[Cloak of (Anal) Passion]  
**Chest: **[Chestplate of Violent Detonation]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Conqueror's Breastplate]  
**Tabard: **[Tabard of (Anal) Brute Force]  
**Shirt: **[Ooze-Stained Shirt]  
**Wrists: **[Bracers of Constant Implosion]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Decimator's Armguards]  
**Hands: **[Plated Gloves of Relief]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Repository Gauntlets]  
**Waist: **[Girdle of Growing Vines]** t-mog into **[Girdle of Ripped (Anal) Space]  
**Legs: **[Tassets of Ravenous Euphoria]** t-mog into **[Legguards of the (Anal) Pinnacle]  
**Feet: **[Sabatons of Endurance]** t-mog into **[The (Anal) Obliterator Greaves]  
**Ring: **[Band of Pleasant Pain]  
**Ring: **[The "D" Ring]  
**Trinket: **[Mushroom of Destiny]  
**Trinket: **[Impact Tremor],** then swapped out for **[Second Wind]  
**Weapon: **[Rigid Spear]** t-mog into **(Anal) [Armageddon]**

* * *

"Well, Chadthunder, you might be chat's champion," the Streamer said when he could speak normally again. "But you won't be the sexy mog champion. This is a transmog competition, not a transnaming competition."

Another speech bubble appeared above his head. "Chat knows my set is 12/12. Inches."

"More like two out of twelve, since you won't even be getting anyone to half-chub looking like that. Let's go on to the next one."

The Streamer RP walked away, on to the next competitor.

* * *

_Later_.

"Chadthunder," the Streamer said, interrupting himself from rating another player. "Normally I would classify this as spergy behavior and kick you out of the raid. I've made an exception so far because Chat likes it. But if you're going to give EVERY slutmog in this raid a ten out of ten, or a sixty-nine out of sixty-nine, you're going to have to stop."

There was a stream delay pause.

"No," Chad /say-ed and /emote-ed. "There are a few 0/10s. And a 5/10."

"Oh really?" the Streamer said skeptically. "Which ones?"

Chadthunder started RP walking himself, directly across the circle. "Here's a 0/10" he said, stopping in front of another male character. Then he /point-ed at a third male character that had joined the slutmog comp. "And there's another one."

"I see," the Streamer said after a time, trying to say it with a straight face after he had recovered from a sudden case of 'camera failure'. "But weren't you gay?"

"Chads aren't gay," said a speech bubble. "But they don't mind if guys get turned on by them. It's only natural. I turn on myself sometimes."

There was a bit more 'camera failure'.

"Fine," the Streamer said when he returned. "And where's the five out of ten?"

Chadthunder RP walked again and the Streamer followed again, though he didn't /follow.

"U see here," Chadthunder said, stopping in front of an un-transformed Worgen female. "She's not even in her Worgen form."

He used the /boo emote.

"0/10 yiffs. 5/10 mog."

The worgen female used her 'Two Forms' ability, transforming into a bipedal wolf.

"That's better," said Chadthunder. Then he /yell-ed "10/10!"

"Oh come on! You're a furry?!"

Chadthunder /shrug-ged. "I see thicc, I clicc, whip out my dicc, grab my sticc, and let 'er rip."

The Streamer briefly covered his eyes with his hand.

"But not my proudest nut," Chadthunder added.

"You know, I didn't mind at all when I thought you were just gay. You had a point about being inclusive. But I'm not sure if I can be THIS inclusive. What do you think, guys? Should I be THIS inclusive?"

The overwhelming answer in chat was YES.

Degenerates.

* * *

_Later still._

"Before we get to first place, I'm giving an honorable mention."

The Streamer RP walked over to Chadthunder.

"This is an original idea that I've never seen before. You did something new, and you have a theme that was reinforced throughout the entire set. Two themes, actually. But they weren't visual themes, so I can't give you a placing. And even if your character was a girl, your mog doesn't show enough skin to win. Still, it's original, I like it, and it's _sort-of_ a slutmog, so I thought I should mention it. Honorably. "

The Streamer started clapping.

Chat followed suit, giving more clapping emotes for Chadthunder than they had for fifth, fourth, third, and second place put together.

A speech bubble appeared above Chad's head. "I came for nuttin' and I got nuttin', just like I never came."*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * This is a quote from Xavier Renegade Angel. I originally intended to make this a WoW x XRA crossover with how many jokes I wanted to reference from that show, but (1) there's no XRA category on this site, (2) that's too much like joke stealing for me to be comfortable doing it, even if I explicitly point out all XRA jokes, and (3) I'm probably not going to write more than two chapters for this story anyway.
> 
> Here are some other items that might have worked for Chadthunder given this premise:
> 
> Shoulders:  
> *Chemical-Stained Shoulderplates*  
> (Anal) Serpentstrike Shoulderpads  
> Pauldrons of Violent Eruption  
> Spaulderplates of Gushing Geysers
> 
> Cloak:  
> Splashcover Cloak ("You'll need it for when I make my splash.")
> 
> Chest:  
> Chestplate of Fragrant Desire  
> (Anal) Bonegrinder Breastplate
> 
> Shirt:  
> The Very Best Shirt (A shirt for true Chads, with "Wow!" written on it.)
> 
> Bracers:  
> Bracers of Visceral Force
> 
> Hands:  
> Preservative-Stained Gauntlets  
> Dirty Rotten Gloves  
> (Anal) Plough Driving Grips  
> Ooze-Ridden Gauntlets  
> *Grips of the Raging Giant ("For gripping my raging, giant-")*
> 
> Waist:  
> Kessel's Sturdy Riding Handle  
> Last Year's "In" Belt  
> Load-Bearing Girdle
> 
> Legs:  
> Legguards of (Anal) Invasion
> 
> Boots:  
> Kelly's Booties ("In case I don't get enough booty")  
> (Anal) Impaling Treads
> 
> Weapons:  
> Alimony (1h sword. In-Game Description: "Ouch. Good for generating aggro.")  
> Shizzle's Drizzle Stopper (shield)  
> (Anal) Painbringer (2h mace)  
> (Anal) Reckoning (2h sword)  
> (Anal) Bloodpike (2h polearm)  
> Saliva Corroded Pike (2h polearm)  
> (Anal) Anguish (2h polearm)  
> Dark Edge of (Anal) Depravity (2h Polearm)
> 
> Unfortunately, the 1h sword [Vibro Sword] is Alliance only and the shield [Portable Lap Desk] is Horde only. Otherwise I would have included them in the same mog, along with the [Portable Vibro-Enhancer] trinket "for emergency cooming!"
> 
> Trinkets:  
> Doom Shroom  
> Essence Infused Mushroom  
> (Anal) Dislodged Foreign Object  
> Riding Crop  
> Sextant of Unstable Currents  
> Jewel of Insatiable Desire 
> 
> Neck:  
> Choker of Bestial Force  
> Master Thrasher's Lockcollar  
> Collar of Wailing Mouths  
> Growthtender Locket  
> (Anal) Beads of the Mogu'shi
> 
> Ring:  
> Band of Callous Dominance  
> Band of Deplorable Violence  
> Band of Enchanted Growth  
> Band of Ruinous (Anal) Delight  
> Band of the Bone Colossus ("for my colossal bone")  
> Bile-O-Tron Nut  
> Loop of Pulsing Veins  
> (Anal) Ruthlessness  
> Swift Serpent Signet  
> Unstoppable Aggressor's Ring  
> Vastly Oversized Ring  
> Thin Dexterity Enhancing Tube  
> Ring of Unyielding Force  
> Ring of Torn (Anal) Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> I don't currently have a WoW subscription, so I don't have an easy way to check in-game appearances of items newer than patch 7.0. I wouldn't be able to do 39 modern slutmogs justice (raid size 40, Streamer takes up a slot and isn't competing), let alone 78 slutmogs if I did Horde too. Unless I ever buy/play WoW again, I probably won't update this story beyond Chapter 2, which will be the Horde version of Chadthunder. I'm leaving it as incomplete just in case I do ever play WoW again, but that isn't likely to happen anytime soon.


End file.
